Friday, June 20, 2014

My Story

Baby ME.
Ever since I was little I never felt like I fett in. The black sheep of the family. The slave.  The girl who was beaten with leather belts, plastic hangers and wooden spoons. I had joined the city soccer team along with my sister.. and not once did I get "awesome job ! you did great out there! " or if my team lost " don't worry about it you'll win next time" but nope.. they said that all to my sister while I faded into the background. Eventually I had to quite because they were sick of going to the games and I had no other way there. 

1st grade i joined Girl Scouts and that didn't last long because my mother hated bringing me and waiting around to leave. 

In 5th grade I took up playing the clarinet, I loved it. My parents hated it. Never let me practiced. Never wanted to hear me play. Could never play in the house because my father was sleeping. Never wanted to buy the reeds I needed for the clarinet or pay the payments for it.. 

Preschool photo.

6th grade came and I took up playing the flute and it was 5th grade all over again, but this time they never wanted to come to the concerts the school would put on... lets see i broke one of my front tooth and that was it... it was like my father didn't want to look at me anymore because I was costing him big bucks to fix my tooth.. 

8th grade came and they wouldn't let me walk across the stage because I had to go to summer school.. my english teacher told my parents to fight for me to walk across the stage.. just because i had to go to summer school shouldn't have stopped me from walking across the stage with my classmates... did they? well you guessed right.. they didn't show any effort.. 
Skinny me at one point.

High school came and went they never liked any of my friends... they were never good enough for them. I barely went to school I was always skipping or just not go. I got in trouble on purpose so just so they would notice me and they didn't.. I finally got to walk across the stage when I graduated high school.. probably the only kid that didn't get flowers or even a balloon from her parents.. oh wait even better I don't even have pictures of me in my cap or gown..  

To this day I still feel like the black sheep. The Slave. Macy make dinner. Macy let the dogs out. Macy clean up this mess (a mess i didnt make). If I try a new recipe I never get the response I wanna hear.  If I try my hardest to finish a crafty project im wokring on still never get the response I'm looking for. I have tried self harming myself, i have cut and burnt myself to the numb the pain I was feeling.. I have tried to drown myself in the tub but my heart didn't want me to leave behind the ones I really cared about. I have had a sheltered life. I barely got to sleep out when I was kid and when I did I had to beg and beg for it.. never had any real friends because my father wanted me home for 7 pm till i was 16.. and all the friends I did have made fun of me and ditched me. I was a chunky kid when I was younger and it was like my father hated me for the way that I was from 12 to I wanna say 15 my father had me trying all different kind of diet stuff.. but nothing seemed to work.. i eventually started starving myself and ate one meal a day, slept all day and dropped a few pounds.. 

I suffer from: low self esteem, emptiness, slight case of depression,and social anxiety and most likely in the future bipolar since it runs in the family.

Hippie at heart.
When I was three I feel on an escalator and my front teeth went through my bottom lip.. when I was in Kindergarten I had sprained my thumb, remember how though, all I can remember is getting the splint off and playing Duck Duck Goose at recess and someone stepped on my thumb and it hurt. I wanna say when I was 6 (not really sure of how old I was) but I my cousin dislocated my elbow when she tried pulling me out of the ball crawl and I didn't want to leave. When I was in CCD classes I had gotten smacked in the face for talking back and this was no smack you would give a kid.. it hurt so bad my father was afraid it might leave a bruse so he kept me home from CCD class that week.. my brother opened his mouth and told the teacher that my father hit me.. but they didnt do anything... 

8th Grade Dance

My father would drag me out of my bed by my hair if I told my mother to hold on or give me a second.. one time my father chased me into my room and I hurried up and ran to my room and looked the door (one of thous locks that you push the button in) just as i locked the door, he punished it so hard it left knuckle imprints and I sat up against the door and cried, afraid of the monster on the other side... when I finally decided to come out of my room I couldn't the door was stuck and it wouldn't unlock... just my luck. 

You would think because I was the only one out of three kids that went to my 8th grade dance and 2 Senior proms, you would think your parents would turn their into a princess for just one night.. nope.. I had to ask my nana if she could pay for my to get my nails done.. my cousin did my hair.. and I had to borrow a dress from someone..


Senior Prom '09
Like I have mentioned before my father had me on every kind of diet pill to try and loose weight.. well last summer I was going walking every morning with my parents, well I ran most of it, really pushing myself; at lease 2 miles in the morning and then me and my ex would walk all the city through out the day.. one morning my brother came with us and all my father could talk about is how proud he was of my brother coming walking with us because he just got out of work.. nothing like sticking a steak in my heart. 

In my last year of high school i met this boy who has been with me every step of the way, who loves my cooking and is amazed at the things I do. Loves me for me. I love him for that. For being there for me. For being my rock when I needed him. Thank you brad I wouldnt be here without you. And I know I can be frustrating and you wanna kill me sometimes but thank you for being here with me. 

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